Out of nowhere it can come in and make my life a mess. A few weeks ago I noticed the tell tale signs of stress turning into something a little darker. The scariest thing is, it always comes on so suddenly. Monday I am fine, going about my business like everything is normal, scheduling this and that, working, playing with the kids -- and then Tuesday morning about 11:30 just as I am about to get off the phone I start sobbing and I can't stop. There is always a part of my brain sitting on the sidelines watching, standing up going "What the F*%&!" It's incredulous, like it's witnessing really foul play in an otherwise fair game. So it doesn't seem to make any sense. I can understand that PPD got me after the birth of my daughter, but now she turns 3 in a month, and I know my doctor says that at this point we are no longer dealing with PPD, now we are officially dealing with acute clinical depression which probably is never going away.
Never going away?
And I also just learned that apparently people are known to grow an intolerance to their medication, which seems to have recently happened to me, and therefore I am currently (as in right this minute) undergoing the painful process of changing medications, which to me feels like the official end of life as I know it because I keep losing everything and I can't seem to keep anything straight. Yes, I feel like I have lost my mind, and the worst part of that is the continual berating voice that keeps telling me what a freaking loser I am.